Just for laugh

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.

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Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.

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Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L
Teacher: No, that’s wrong…
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!

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Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’
Millie: I is..
Teacher: No, Millie…… Always say, ‘I am.’
Millie: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

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Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

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Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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Teacher: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It’s the same dog.

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Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.

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Shepherd and Consultant

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his
AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer that I already knew, to a question I never asked AND you know sod all about my business.

"Now give me back my sheep."

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The Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President".

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, dumbie."

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The Ghetto Parrot

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went.
She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights.

Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!"

The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild.
This would go on all night long, every time the parrot went out...

One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her.

When the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!

She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, no, you do not say that when we're here!"

The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night.

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